


The Day they Left

by EurydicaeQuercus



Series: Enasalin is supposed to mean Victory [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Pre-Dragon Age: Origins, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 11:58:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18659974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EurydicaeQuercus/pseuds/EurydicaeQuercus
Summary: The day had finally come when Clan Lavellan and Clan Sabrae were to go their separate ways once more. It was supposed to be a happy occasion, but for a select few, it just meant being torn apart, all over again.





	The Day they Left

The chill winter wind whistled through the trees that day. Enasalin was sitting high up in a tree, her bow held tightly in her hand, as she looked down at the camp below. She should be down there, saying goodbye, preparing for the split. But she wasn’t. She couldn’t. It was too much. She loved Zaren and Maena like they were her own siblings, but the prospect of having to look after them—having to take Aridhel’s place? She couldn’t do it, not yet. She was barely an adult herself—that’s what Tamlen had said earlier, Merrill nodding next to him. But was that an excuse? She had a duty to them, after all. It wasn’t fair to leave everything to Deshanna, who was still young as well.

But every time she thought about looking after them, taking care of them, she saw her sister, saw the darkspawn overwhelm her—saw her being bludgeoned with their clubs—so much blood… It was her fault. She’d been there, she could have protected her—saved her, stopped Zaren and Maena being made into orphans. But she hadn’t. She’d run away, with Deshanna, just like she always did. Always running away from things. First her parents, then her magic, then her sister, and now this.

She knew Zaren was angry with her, she could still remember her small, scowling face as she’d broken the news a few days ago. Maena had been upset too, but he was better at hiding it than Zaren was, just like Aridhel. Aridhel always hid things with a smile. It had taken her such a long time to realise that.

She shouldn’t just leave things like that—she should be down there, making their last goodbye a happy one. But she wasn’t. She was still sitting there, frozen in place, in the branches of the trees.

She knew Marethari would be angry too. Marethari wanted her to go with Clan Lavellan, but she had refused. She could already see the Keeper’s disapproving gaze, her harsh words once she found out Enasalin hadn’t said goodbye. But she could also feel the Keeper’s stare burning through her back as she said goodbye, remember her speech about family and duty. She was right though, it was her duty to look after them. She just...wasn’t good enough to be their guardian. She wasn’t. She couldn’t even save her sister, how could she look into the eyes of her siblings every day and know that she was the reason their mother wasn’t there with them instead?

She could feel tears running down her cheeks as her throat clenched up. She tried to hold back as sobs wracked her body, afraid to be seen or heard by the rest of the Clan, to be asked why she was so sad. No one could see. She had done enough damage already. This was pathetic. She wasn’t even saying goodbye. Who were these tears even for? They should be for Zaren and Maena, who were still there, waiting in the camp. Waiting for her to come and say goodbye. She’d fucked it up again. Why? Why did this always happen to her?

She could see their faces, imagine their reactions once they realised she wasn’t coming. Hope, faith, and then...nothing. She would be a disappointment again, only hurting them even more. She could see Deshanna frown as time went on and she didn’t appear to bid them goodbye. She could see how Zaren would only grow angrier and Maena would finally realise she wasn’t worth looking up to. They would lose all faith in her. Just like everyone else. And they’d be right. She had no reason not to come, instead she was sitting, crying uselessly in some tree, out of sight. The wind froze her tears as they poured down her face.

She gasped as she tried to get back control of her breathing. She still had time though, they weren’t gone yet, they couldn’t be gone yet. She couldn’t leave them there, this was her last chance! She needed to go to them, she needed to fix this! She leapt down from the tree and went running back into the camp. Please, Mythal, let them not have left yet. She emerged into the clearing where everyone was supposed to have said their goodbyes. They were still there, the aravels were still there, the Creators had smiled on her for once.

She could see them, towards the back of the clearing, Maena with his long hair tied back, as usual, Zaren sitting on top of the aravel, frowning as she plaited her hair. Deshanna was standing with them, looking around—probably for her. She smiled as she caught sight of her, and beckoned her over. Deshanna was kind. She would make a good Keeper after Elgadir, not like Enasalin. Zaren smiled as she saw Enasalin approaching, then frowned. She was still angry Enasalin wasn’t coming with them. Enasalin felt her chest tightening. Perhaps this had been a mistake. What if it only made Zaren angrier? Maena was looking up at her with a concerned frown.

She wiped the tears from her eyes, in an attempt to look more presentable.

“Sorry,” she whispered, her voice hoarse from crying. “I couldn’t find you.”

“That’s quite alright da’len,” said Deshanna, smiling as she approached, handing Enasalin a cloth to wipe her eyes with. “You’re here now, yes?”

“I...don’t know what to say,” she said, as she looked down at the two children she might never see again. Her siblings in all but blood.

Maena got up from where he was sitting and brandished a piece of parchment at her.

“You said we could write to each other while you’re gone, right?” he said, an eager light in his eyes. “This is my first letter,” he then motioned for her to lean down close so no one else could hear. “Zaren doesn’t know. She’s too cross to write anything right now. She doesn’t understand why you won’t come with us. But I do.”

“I—thank you, Maena,” said Enasalin, stumbling over her words slightly. Maena probably didn’t truly understand why she wasn’t coming, but at least he wasn’t angry, like Zaren was. Maena smiled at her.

“Zaren, do you have anything to say before you go?” asked Deshanna, looking over at where she was sitting sulkily in the corner aravel.

“If you’re so upset about us leaving I don’t see why you don’t want to come with us,” she muttered, though there was a slight tremble in her voice, as though she was upset too.

“I-I, I can’t—” stuttered Enasalin, her voice breaking as tears overcame her again, and the idea of looking after them resurfaced.

“That’s enough, Zaren,” said Deshanna, frowning.

“No, she’s right,” said Enasalin, now struggling to speak through tears. “She’s right to ask. I just...I can’t…”

“Shh now da’len, wipe your eyes,” said Deshanna, pulling her aside and getting another cloth out for her as Enasalin descended back into quiet sobs.

“I messed it up, I messed it up,” she whispered, trembling slightly as she fumbled with the cloth.

“Nonsense Ena, the children still love you,” said Deshanna, helping her sit down on a stump. “It will just take time for them to adjust. They are young.”

“I know,” she said, her voice wavering slightly. “I just...I wanted it to be happy.”

“You can still come with us you know, Ena. If you want to,” said Deshanna, placing a gentle hand on her back.

“How? How could I after all this?” she asked, sniffing. “No, it’ll be better for them if I don’t come. They don’t need...someone like me around.”

“It’s your decision da’len,” said Deshanna, though there seemed to be a touch of sadness in her eyes.

Why couldn’t she do anything right? She looked back at the aravel in an attempt to distract herself, and she saw Zaren was throwing twigs at her brother as he tried to get close to her. They were...playing. They were happy. Without her. Perhaps this _was_ for the best. No matter what Marethari said.

“One day,” she said, and her voice was slightly stronger now, “I’ll come back.”

“I think they’d like that,” said Deshanna, a slight smile in her eyes once more.


End file.
